bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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