I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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