Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
