im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
