i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
