i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
