cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
