the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
