I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
