I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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