found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
