It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
