I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
