Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Operation Purity has been aborted
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
