My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am naked and annoyed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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