I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my shit smells like andre
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
