yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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