i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
