Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You are the jesus of drinking
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
