Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
