We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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