Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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