Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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