ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
