she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
