I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
