it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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