Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
