I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
