I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
