I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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