drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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