he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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