Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
