There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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