Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
