We named our party play list daddy issues
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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