i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
