Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
