You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
