Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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