im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
be right there i have to get my cape
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
