I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
