Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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