so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
