all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
