I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
