She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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