When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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