I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
